


Peace is a hard Thing to Come By

by Phoenix_Fairy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, mention of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 10:57:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14211654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_Fairy/pseuds/Phoenix_Fairy
Summary: Remus knows that peace is a hard thing to come by. Sirius doesn't know why, until everything comes to light.





	Peace is a hard Thing to Come By

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my beta CMMLovr - you did a great job, again!  
> Sadly, I had to say goodbye to Sirius' "manly dialogues" :D

A loud rattling coming from the kitchen startled Sirius. He was still stuck at 12, Grimmauld Place; and likely wouldn’t be leaving for quite some time. Therefore, he tried to keep himself occupied by reading any kind of newspaper or magazine he came by, or by feeding Buckbeak.   
At least Remus had spent a fair bit of time with him, too, so Sirius had had a human to keep him company. It could get a bit lonely sometimes, only talking to Buckbeak (who remained stoic, as ever), monologuing to a non-responsive creature.

Sirius put the newest edition of the Daily Prophet aside, stood up from the only comfy chair in the living room, and made his way into the kitchen.

Remus was standing next to the sink, picking up pieces of what seemed to be a tea tray. Sirius leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed in front of his chest.

“You’re making a mess of it; why are you wasting your time doing it the muggle way?” He nodded towards the shards that were scattered over the sink and the kitchen counter.

Remus avoided his gaze; in fact, his behaviour had changed a lot since the Order of the Phoenix had been reunited. Sirius wasn’t sure if anyone beside himself had noticed anything, but it seemed to him that something was bothering Remus.

Over the past few weeks, Lupin had preferred to remain away from company, keeping instead to the confines of Grimmauld Place.  
After the last three or four Order meetings, it seemed as if Lupin couldn’t wait to leave the room. ‘ _Maybe the Order itself is the problem_ ’, Sirius thought to himself. After all, they’d had to deal with Snape way more often than Sirius would have liked, and that alone would have been enough to drive Sirius into seclusion, let alone Remus.

While it was true that Snape had treated Remus better in the past – even going so far as to brew Wolfsbane Potion – it still didn’t stop Snivellus from being an annoying bastard.

 ‘ _But could that be reason enough to practically sprint out after each meeting?_ ’

Sirius continued to watch Remus shuffling around next to the sink, who was obviously trying his best to appear occupied. Maybe it wasn’t Snape but something more personal. A grin flashed over his face; he was almost certain his friend had finally found a woman and was too shy to talk about it. Remus never had been one to boast about female conquests, after all.

Sirius wanted to know what occupied his friend, especially if it entailed a juicy story that he might squeeze out of him. Opting to return to the living room again, he left the kitchen, fully decided that he would just broach the subject. He wasn’t one to beat around the bush.

Shortly afterwards, Remus joined him, a glass whiskey decanter in his left hand, and a tumbler in his right. He sat in an old, grey armchair next to the window, opposite to the sofa where Sirius was sitting.

Sirius had watched his movements disapprovingly, “Isn’t it a bit too early for that? It’s only five,” he addressed Remus.

His friend didn’t bother to give an answer, but merely uncorked the decanter, carelessly let the lid drop down onto the old carpet, filling his tumbler to the brim, and downed the glass with a few gulps. Before Sirius could step in- not that he would mind a drink for himself, if that’s how the evening was going, anyway- Remus filled the tumbler a second time, taking slow but large mouthfuls. The decanter hung loosely from his left hand, fingers just barely wrapped around the bottle’s ridged neck, as he had been unwilling to set it aside while knowing that he was well on his way to a third drink.

Having had enough of his behavior, Sirius stood up and quickly made his way towards his friend, who, of course, ignored him again. Having practically pried Lupin’s fingers from the decanter, Sirius returned to his chair holding the confiscated alcohol, and was faced by a stoically unaffected Lupin.

“Talk to me, Remus,” he approached his opposite.

Lupin punished the forced confiscation of the whiskey by remaining silent. He slumped even more into his chair and swallowed loudly. His gaze wandered around in the room, looking at everything without focusing on anything in particular.

Sirius sighed, sitting upright in his chair. “We still have a phial of Veritaserum somewhere in this house. Snape left it behind after one of the last Order meetings – I’ll happily get it if you’re too tired to talk for yourself.” The little lie passed easily from his lips; he had no problem using a threat to get his friend talking.

Remus snorted grumpily in response. A few moments passed with the two sat in silence; Sirius closely watching his friend. At last, Lupin finally opened his mouth.

“And then what? You’ll pry an answer out of me? Why can’t an adult man sit alone, in peace, and indulge in a glass of whiskey?” He swirled the contents of his tumbler slowly, following the movement with his eyes.

Sirius raised his eyebrows; he clearly disapproved his friend’s current behaviour. “What you’re doing isn’t so much indulgence as it is getting wasted mid-week. Not that this isn’t a fun new change, mate, but what gives?” He paused for dramatic effect, then continued, “You’ve been acting odd for the last few weeks, and you’ve clearly got something – maybe someone, eh? – on your mind. My guess: you’ve got a lady friend.”

Lupin looked up and met Sirius’ gaze stonily.

“Judging by the look on your face, I’ve struck gold,” Sirius commented with a sly smirk.

Remus shook his head. “You don’t understand how problematic it would be.”

Sirius sit up straight, faking indignance. “Excuse me! I’ve _had_ problems, mate – there are too many to choose from, and not enough time.” Seeing Remus’ angry glare, he leaned back in his chair, huffing slightly, “Maybe I’ve got the wrong audience – I vow to improve my humour to your taste.”

Moments ticked away silently before Remus spoke again. “If I told you, would it shut you up?” Sirius didn’t dare to interrupt, “It wouldn’t change anything, anyway,” he muttered darkly.

Things seemed to be more serious than Sirius had originally thought. Sitting silently, Sirius waited for Remus to continue.

“For so many years, I’ve had to watch those around me fall in and out of love without a second thought. Finally, someone has fallen for me, and wants to be _with me._ ”

Sirius scratched his head and scrutinized his best friend. “I’m guessing you don’t feel differently?”

Remus exhaled sharply, and replied with frustration, “No, I don’t. The problem is that we’re both attracted to one another, but I should know better than to indulge that feeling.”

“Why?” prodded Sirius.

“Because happiness is impossible when you live such a life as I do; I’ve kept my head down and hidden from people, from life, to protect myself and others. I can’t deny the existence of the beast within me any more than I can rid it from my life.” Suddenly, Remus looked so old; too much sorrow and grief had been heaped on his shoulders over the years.

Sirius did his best do hide the shock that slowly crept through his body, forming a lump in his throat. He didn’t like the direction the conversation was heading; a strong sense of deja-vu overcame him, reminding him of a conversation they’d had years before. When Remus began to speak again, Sirius’ suspicions were confirmed.

“I should remove myself from company right now – the Order needs to be maintained, and the only thing I can do is make sure I’m prepared for a war that is surely coming by focusing on what needs to be done,” he glanced at Sirius, his forehead deeply furrowed. He swirled the tumbler, watching how the amber hue of the whiskey glinted in the low light. Sirius’ breathing quickened, and he shook his head determinedly.

“You’re being stupid – you can’t withdraw from the Order and your friends because of some woman. We’re already facing difficulty recruiting allies and maintaining credibility, you can’t just-”

“Can’t I?” Lupin fiercely interrupted the frantic stream of words. “I’m not making this decision lightly. After all, win or lose, my situation will remain the same; I’m unemployable and can’t provide for myself, let alone a family. And to think of what might become of a woman who chooses to associate with me is unbearable – the Ministry’s standing on the issue alone is enough to make her life miserable.” Shadows crept into the corners of the room as the day ticked slowly towards night, “Would you be willing to work menial jobs, knowing that it would never be able to provide well for a family, Sirius? I can just barely cover my needs!” Sighing deeply, Remus paused, “But even if none of that were an issue, the fact still remains that I am what I am, and that can’t be changed or hidden -  the last time I tried, I failed miserably.”

Sirius swallowed hard and watched his friend as he moved from his seat to standing behind it, facing the window. For the first time, Sirius found himself at a loss for words; when last Lupin had approached him with his desire to leave the human Wizarding community, he had managed to persuade him to stay. It had happened shortly after they’d finished school, and Remus had had to experience the struggles of his kind in trying to find and keep work without alerting others to his condition.   
Sirius had only needed to remind him of all he would miss, then, to change his mind. But now, he wasn’t sure that would work; after all, something stronger had provoked his reversion to the idea.

Remus now stood with his back turned to Sirius, the tumbler still in his right hand as his left curled inside the pocket of his threadbare trousers.   
“Years ago, I swallowed my pride and tried to hide my condition; nobody could ever find out about me, or I’d be ruined. I just wanted peace, but it’s so hard to come by. Just when I thought I’d found it – that I could wrap my hands around it – it slipped through my fingers. It exists, but doesn’t; is constantly around others, but can’t be claimed with two hands and held on to for oneself. I understood then that peace would always elude me – I could have moments of it, but I’d never reach true peace in my lifetime. Since that time, fear settled inside of me instead, and I have had to carry that burden every day.”

While Remus had been talking, Sirius’ expression had shifted, as though he’d wanted to say something.   
But now that the shock had set in, he couldn’t think of what to say; he couldn’t stand to see his friend hunched over in sadness.   
This was someone he cared for so deeply – so unquestioningly – that even the Dementors hadn’t been able to dull memories of their friendship during his time in Azkaban.   
When clouds of sorrow and grief darkened his mind; when anger and frustration crept up his spine until he had nothing more left than to scream it all out, and then everything turned quiet, and endless desperation had taken over, memories of the pranks they’d pulled at school together and Remus’ laughter had kept him sane and kindled his will to live.   
How could he ever return the favour if he had no idea what to say, much less what to do, in this situation?

One thought was at the forefront of Sirius’ mind; he couldn’t let Remus give everything up – he wasn’t sure how he’d do it, but he was determined. Finally, someone had shown an interest in his friend – and Lupin deserved the happiness that came with that. Life had presented Remus with a chance, and Sirius was resolute – his friend would make the most of it.   
Standing beside him, Sirius was uncertain how to take the next step. Hands buried in his pockets, he walked to the fireplace and tried to make his expression at once sympathetic, but not overly emotional.   
He knew that pity would only rouse anger in his friend, but a stoic pat on the back would do nothing considering the severity of the situation.

He cleared his throat, “What about Snape? Does he not still provide you with the Wolfsbane Potion?”

Sirius couldn’t see Lupin’s expression as it contorted into a grimace of despair and fear. Sipping from his tumbler to disguise said expression, he looked out of the window and watched as the sun cast longer shadows on the room and its inhabitants.

“And how am I to pay him?” he asked, defeat colouring his tone, “The potion is extremely expensive. But even if that were not the case; what if he does not survive the upcoming war? I know of no other potions masters skilled enough to brew it. I _have_ to consider such terrible scenarios, it’d be foolish not to take the worst case into consideration”

The lump in Sirius’ throat grew bigger; he knew that a war was inevitably coming, but he hadn’t allowed himself to think about its potential consequences in the way that Remus had. Continuing in his pacing, Sirius made it to the door and felt the urge to move again, unable to stand still watching his friend falling apart. He feverishly sorted through his own thoughts, attempting to find something positive that Lupin might cling to as a reason to change his mind. He’d been so absorbed that he’d almost missed Lupin’s voice as it broke the silence ever so quietly.

“I-” he stopped, swallowing thickly.

Sirius now leaned against the doorframe, giving Remus the time to speak. He had the strange feeling that Lupin might finally be ready to come to the core of the problem, and he would be damned if he said anything that might prevent him from continuing to speak –  Lupin had never been one to express his worries openly.

“I once had what is now being offered to me – this was so long ago, you understand – I was happy with a woman who was very special to me.” Lupin threw his head back resignedly and sighed before continuing, “Everything was going well in the first few weeks-” he stopped, mid-sentence. Turning his head to face Sirius, he hesitated slightly.

Sirius cleared his throat. “Whatever it is, I won’t judge you. You know that.”

This seemed to do the trick, as Lupin slowly turned around completely, his face now shrouded in darkness as he turned away from the light and towards Sirius.

Sirius stepped forwards hesitantly, then paused.

“What happened, Remus?”

His friend hung his head, the whisper of his hoarse voice just barely carrying through the room. “When the full moon came, I avoided her as best I could, knowing that I would transform. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what I was; and so, she didn’t know not to visit me. I think she’d wanted to surprise me, that weekend, but seeing how I’d left the flat I’d been living in, she followed me into the forest I’d escaped to.”

Sirius’ heart leapt, then started to race. He prayed that whatever had happened, it wasn’t what he’d thought; that his worst suspicions wouldn’t be confirmed.

“I felt her presence somewhere near me as I was mid-transformation. It was already too late.” Remus stopped talking, and Sirius heard something resembling a suppressed sob. His heart ached for his friend, even as he tried to maintain stoicism.

 “You bit her?” he asked slowly, stepping slightly closer to his old friend. He saw Remus shake his head fiercely. “If only that were it, Sirius. If only that were it.”

Lupin couldn’t bear to look at his friend, terrified that Sirius might kick him out; out of the house, and out of the deep friendship he had. While at school, some of the guys had teased them about their friendship, hinting that they were more to each other than just friends. If only he had had a girlfriend, then; rumours about Remus and Sirius wouldn’t have spread the way they had. He trusted his friend with his life, and that was the only reason he was standing there, baring this revolting side of himself. This was a side of himself that he had always buried; it was what he feared most about himself. The full moon would always be a reminder of the night of terror, years ago.   
The sound of shuffling feet broke his reverie, and he felt Sirius’ hand on his shoulder. It felt like fire burning under his skin where the hand laid.

“Then what? Is she- is she seeking revenge?”

Within a split second, it all became too much. The beast within him raged, its claws clinging to his insides as it crept upwards and burst out of him.   
He slapped away Sirius’ hand in blind anger, frustration and fear whirling within his chest, before he began to flail wildly around him, screaming with his eyes shut. He sounded like a wounded animal, and Sirius did his best to dodge the movements. Without thinking, he stepped forwards and grabbed Lupin’s wrists, pushing them down with one arm while the other encircled his friend’s trembling body. His screaming hadn’t stopped, but Sirius didn’t care. Whatever it was, Lupin needed to let it out. Slowly, his movements became shaking hands, and his screams died down to cries. All the while, Sirius had never let go of his friend, instead tightening his grip around him.

“Breathe,” he whispered after a few minutes. “Trust me. I will listen to you. You are safe here.” Remus could feel his friend’s breath against his ear as he rested his head against Sirius’s shoulder. The sound of his breathing and the constant _thu-thump_ of his heart helped to calm him somewhat. He felt drained.

“I attacked her. She had no chance, though she kept on fighting.”

There was a moment of silence, then Remus pulled out of the embrace, and took a step backwards, his arms hanging loosely at his sides. He locked his eyes with Sirius before continuing, wanting to see his friend’s reaction to what he would do next. Lupin yanked aside the fabric covering his chest, his chest heaving. The knuckles on his right hand whitened as his grip tightened on the material.

“Do you see it?” he asked Sirius, who remained silent, at first. Frustrated, Remus repeated, roaring suddenly, “Do you _see_ it?!” His chest heaved, as though he’d run thousands of miles.

Sirius reduced the distance between them, and now he could see it – five longish scars that looked vaguely like scratches, almost as though-

“It was her.” Remus interrupted his thoughts. “She had no chance against me mid-transformation, I was bloodthirsty and ready. Still, she kept fighting and left her mark on me.” Remus’ gaze remained on Sirius, watching for any kind of judgement. “After three or four bites, something distracted me, and I gave her up. I ran deeper into the forest. I returned at dawn, back in human form.”  
Sirius’ eyes rose searchingly until he found Remus’ eyes. A hint of tears shimmered there.   
“She was still alive, barely, but still not dead. She was laying on that ground, damp earth and pine needles all over her arms and her face. She must have been writhing on the ground in inconceivable pain, the poison running through her veins, the blood loss making her dizzy. I’m certain she felt it all, even with the pools of blood that surrounded her. Her throat and chest were practically torn to pieces. That was when I fully understood the cruelty of the monster I am.”

His tears now flowed freely, and he grew hoarse. Sirius noticed his hands beginning to shake as Remus’ sorrow crashed over him like a wave. Still clutching the material of his shirt, Lupin continued. “She suffered. I might be a monster, but I couldn’t leave her like that. She was on the verge of dying but seemed to be holding on. She would have taken hours to fight against herself before finally succumbing. So, I helped her; I’d killed before during the War, but never an innocent. It wasn’t a true act of mercy, but it did allow her to go with dignity, and in a way that helped me to keep the pitiful bit of humanity that was left in my body. Casting the Killing Curse had never felt worse.”

They were still looking at each other, both breathing heavily. Remus’ cheeks were stained with the evidence of his emotional outburst, but his eyes had since gone cold, trying to mask the emotions that still thundered through him.

“I can’t let it happen again, Sirius. This,” he indicated the scars, “is a constant reminder of what I really am – what I am capable of. My own father once described Greyback as ‘soulless, evil, and deserving nothing but death’. He always told me that I was different, but I don’t see that difference anymore.”

Sirius swallowed hard. “It exists in you, Remus. Even if you can’t see it right now.”

Lupin shook his head. “They’re not just a reminder for me, Sirius. They tell any woman I may be with about the potential destiny that awaits her by being involved with me,” Remus whispered. Sirius couldn’t bear to see the force with which Lupin tried to maintain his stoic mask as he attempted to appear certain and assured of his own words and decisions. “Sirius, old friend, it might only be a question of time until that destiny catches her as well. I can’t allow another person – especially one who claims to love me – to share in this life that she does not deserve. I can’t even allow myself to have children - what if I pass my genes onto them?” With the next words, Remus’ voice seemed to break into pieces. “Is it not better, then, to break her heart than to destroy her life?”

All Sirius could do was to ask “Who?” although he thought he might already know the answer.

“Nymphadora.”

Sirius raised his right arm, patting Remus’ shoulder. “I’m not here to judge you, and I never will. After all, it’s your decision, in the end.”

Remus breathed out heavily; at least this sentence freed him from a lot of fears.

“I just want you to do something for me,” Sirius said shakily, his eyes fixed on Remus. “Talk to her. I don’t want you to promise me that you’ll start a relationship with her, or even commit to staying. But I want you to tell her about that night; she’s different and has more scars – visible and not- than you’d think. Give her the right to make her own decision, and then think about it again for yourself.” Sirius let go of Remus and stepped away from him. “No matter what you decide, I’ll always be here for you. But please, talk to her. I know now that peace is a hard thing to come by for you, but you _can_ still do something to attain it for yourself.”

A loud cawing startled both of them. Sirius nodded towards Lupin, then said “I think it’s time to look after Buckbeak. I’ll be upstairs.” He made his way out of the room, which had long since been drowned in complete darkness, before turning once more. “I accept you for who you are, and I have no doubt that she will do the same. Think about it.” And with that, he left.

Feeling completely drained, Remus dropped into the chair beside the fireplace, uncertainty writhing in the pit of his stomach. He had no idea what to do at that moment, except perhaps to wait until morning to see what it would bring.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Dear reader, 
> 
> if you enjoyed reading my story as much as I enjoyed writing it, let me know!  
> I'd love to hear about your opinion on it!
> 
> Phoenix_Fairy


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